Chapter Excerpts

Chapter 44-Devera (“Bee”)

             Devera is a single female in her mid to late 20’s.  She has never been  married and does not have any children.  Devera works as an exotic  entertainer.  If the legal age for working such a job is 18 or 21 years  old, she then has been entertaining for around 6 or 7 years.  From  observing her, it is difficult to tell if she developed her expertise  over time, whether she is just a natural at it, or a combination of  both.  One might take a moment to consider all of the hard work and good  timing it takes to do a job like this and be successful at it, as  well.  For example, she has to make herself look desirable and she has  to have the ability to draw men (and women) in.  She not only has to  hold their attention for a sustained amount of time to keep them in the  club long enough to buy drinks, but also to entice them into giving her  money.  While this may be considered a relatively easy task, one has to  remember that Devera is not the only entertainer in the room while she  is performing.  Often there are several stages with other women  competing for the same amount of attention and monetary reward.  Beyond  this, if she is not able to pull in enough money, the owner of the club  will receive less money and, as a result, she may find herself  unemployed. 

            Just like any other service industry,  Devera does provide a service and just like most people, she works very  hard for her pay.  I am not justifying or placing any judgment on what  she does for a living.  I am not condoning or condemning this type of  living.  I am merely trying to explain how difficult a job like this can  be.  Like most jobs, there is probably a fair amount of stress  involved.  Beyond this, many of the entertainers are very competitive.   Because of the pressure to bring paying customers in and keep them, if  you are not on top of your game you may fall short.  That is not to  mention how the clientele must be.  Many customers--male or female--are  rude, disrespectful, abusive, and tight-fisted.  Trying to get a measly  dollar or two out of their hands may not be an easy thing to do.   

             Because this type of entertainment is so prevalent and because many  people are out to exploit the entertainers, one might wonder why there  isn’t a union to provide insurance benefits and a pension program.   After all, these entertainers incur risk just like people in other  fields.  However, this is not the reality.  The reality is that many  people who frequent these places or operate them are looking for two  things--sex and money.  The chances of an entertainer actually meeting  another person who is sincere and can be trusted is probably extremely  rare.              

            Devera is competitive.  She is  aggressive.  She is a great entertainer.  On stage she appears very  natural.  Despite some of the disrespectful clientele, Devera enjoys  entertaining.  Perhaps she dances because she wants to or because she  hasn’t had many other opportunities.  Perhaps she is searching for some  sense of direction in her life, which can be difficult.  Even though she  is a great entertainer and enjoys entertaining people, she is no fool.   She is street wise and savvy.  Devera is complicated.  On the one hand  she is very worldly, but maybe at the same time she is also very  innocent.  It might be interesting to ask where she sees herself in five  years.  Perhaps she will own her own club. 

            As far  as making money, she is one of the best.  She probably makes more money  than most of the other entertainers.  She is bold and ambitious.  On  stage and at the club she is not shy.  One might say that she is not  ashamed or easily embarrassed.  A more astute observer might say that  she has sociopathic tendencies.  Devera appears like she’s always moving  forward.  Perhaps like many exotic entertainers, Devera has become  desensitized to the world around her.  On stage she appears to take what  she wants and does not have a strong need for remorse.  On the surface,  Devera is very confident and sure of herself.  While on the surface  Devera is very arrogant and self-centered, underneath she can be quite  insecure.  Some of her insecurities may rise from comparing herself to  some of the other entertainers out there, as she does not have the most  physically perfect body.  But she tries to make the most of what she  has.  While some dancers are truly blessed with what would appear to be  perfect bodies, perfect hair, and beauty, some others might be  considered less than blessed, like Devera. 

             Regardless of physical characteristics, they still have to put up with  clients who are rude, degrading, cruel, and insensitive.  Devera is  tough, though.  One would have to be to do what they do night after  night just to earn a living.  Perhaps she is looking for acceptance.   Beyond all this, most of them probably understand that their time is  limited.  There are always younger, prettier, or more handsome  entertainers coming into the field.             

             Outside of her world of dance, Devera has a far more interesting and  private side that not a lot of people know about.  Devera is a  dominatrix.  Apparently, she is very successful at this as well.  She is  very careful about who she invites into her secret world.  She has many  layers to her personality.  She can act like a kitten.  If she feels  that she has been crossed or taken advantage of, she will roar like a  lioness.  Her need for control and to appear independent of other people  is extreme.  Devera loves to take walks in the woods.  She loves a  thunderstorm.  She loves to pamper herself.  She also, more than  anything else in the world, loves to dominate and control people--both  males and females.  Before she invites them into her secret world, she  generally tries to learn a little about the person first.  If she feels  confident enough with that person, she will next attempt to enlist him  or her to join this secret world.  Her means of recruiting men and women  into her world of domination is extremely subtle and shrewd.  Most of  the recruits to be clients, servants, or slaves come from the club.  At  the end of her shift, Devera begins walking the room.  She may have a  seat at the bar or if the room is full go on the hunt.  She is very  skillful at sizing people up to see if they will be one of her “lucky  ones.”  While she has probably never had any formal training in  psychology, she is a master at finding and luring in people who are  generally very passive in nature.  When she picks someone, she will test  him or her so carefully and skillfully that it is difficult for the  person to tell that he or she is being tested.  

Chapter 34-Dating Services

             According to an article in Accountancy (2003), major expansion in the  dating service industry is anticipated in the United Kingdom in the 21st  century.  An article in Fortune magazine (1997) reported that there are  more than 200 websites that offer personal ads online.  Over 300  million dollars are spent on personal ads according to their  estimations.  The report goes on to say that printed personal ads are  now offered in an online format on the websites of over 50 newspapers in  the U.S. and that some are beginning to develop their own databases.   The Financial Times (2003) reports that competition among online dating  services is fierce and that many new and existing services are doing  everything they can to cash in on this phenomenon.  According to the  article, in the U.K. alone there are more than 10 million single people,  so one of the most recognized dating services in the U.S. is now going  international to compete against other dating services there and in  Germany and France.  In an article in New London Age (2006), it was  reported that new dating services are emerging every day in an attempt  to get their slice of the pie.  Forbes (2006) reports that one dating  service is receiving 1700 phone calls daily from consumers who are  looking for advice on how to improve their personal online  advertisements and relationship skills.  The article states that  matchmaking on the Web has become a $500 million dollar industry.   According to an article in New Media Age (2006), a dating service’s  capacity to collect data on single people is critical to the company’s  ability to achieve financial success.         

             There’s no doubt all these dating services court the consumers’ dollars,  but is there also an attempt to control these consumers?  Many online  dating services get people to join by offering the opportunity to create  a free profile.  Most of them make it very easy to subscribe--all one  has to do is simply look at the boxes and point and click.  Some  services attempt to hook the consumer by offering free trial periods,  and if within that trial period the subscriber is not completely  satisfied, they offer an additional six months of service for free.   Some dating services in their attempts to control a subscriber offer  electronic services like the ability to send and receive emails and  instant messages.  Many claim that subscribing will be safe, fun,  exciting, romantic, and exhilarating.  Some in their attempts to control  the consumer offer the promise of meeting people who are “authentic.”   The definition of authentic?  Many services display pictures of happy  looking couples in passionate embraces to project the feeling of  satisfaction.  Some services claim to match people together based upon  personality profiles.  At least one service that is specifically geared  toward offering the promise of sexual gratification allows subscribers  to show explicit photos of themselves that leave little or nothing to  the imagination.  They encourage subscribers to use names designed to  arouse other potential subscribers all in an attempt to get their  consumers to spend.  According to an article in Woman and Earth (1998),  some companies under the guise of a dating service encourage the  promotion of global trafficking of women from all parts of the world.   At least one service offers completely free dating services with no  charge whatsoever.  There is not much that dating services do not appear  to offer.  On many of the services subscribers are allowed to rate  themselves.  One might consider for a moment whether that process might  be considered somewhat subjective.  Wouldn’t it be interesting to see  how a person’s former boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse might rate the  person and then compare it with the original rating?  How many would  actually rate their own shortcomings, assuming that they believe they  have any in the first place? 

            To gain as much control  of the financial pie as possible, many dating services claim that they  can match single people on many different levels.  One might want to  consider whether this form of arranged matching of personal factors  might not take the fun out of gradually getting to know someone anyway.   Perhaps some consumers, in their hurried attempt to create a sense of  control in their lives, don’t feel that they should have to take the  time that might be needed to find the perfect mate.  When one sees all  of these ads in local newspapers, magazines, and online, it makes you  wonder why someone decides to go the personal ad route in the first  place.  People may attempt to gain control in their lives by looking for  things like financial security, sex, or good looks.  In an article in  Management Today (2005), desperation was also reported to be a factor.   The article described having to place a personal ad as embarrassing.   Dating services are being used by approximately six million people under  the age of 55 in the U.K., the article says.                          

             Many services also tout the promise of a long-term, meaningful  relationship.  In one advertisement, it was noted that those only  interested in casual dating need not apply.  One has to wonder if the  service is looking for people who are serious about a relationship or  serious about spending money.  Some services warn their potential  subscribers not to be anxious and invite them to be imaginative.  At  least one online service uses one of television’s top-rated television  psychologists in its ads.  Many ads claim that finding the perfect mate  will be easy and will require little or no effort.  Consumers are led to  believe that marriage in and of itself will somehow solve all of their  predicaments.  Many services claim that they are solely responsible for  putting together hundreds or thousands of people.  With all this  success, you’d think they’d be put out of business. 

             To the public, dating services may seem like perfect, innocent, and  wonderful opportunities to find true love or that special person of your  dreams.  This is certainly what they purport to do--find any individual  the perfect mate.  Their advertisements are very sleek, sexy, alluring,  and give hundreds of thousands of single people the hope or belief that  if they pay a certain amount of money, they will find the ideal mate.   While there may be a few success stories, in general the services are  much like the gambling casinos that only report the winnings, not the  thousands and thousands of losses.  In these cases, individuals often  find nothing but disappointment and frustration.  If finding true love  or happiness were as easy as simply paying a fee, everyone would be  happy.  Dating services bank on this falsehood just like drug companies  try to convince people that losing weight and keeping it off permanently  is as easy as taking a pill.  

Chapter 30-Malika (“Industrious” or “striving”)

             The next two chapters are about Malika (a woman who for some time has  allowed herself to be controlled) and her very controlling boyfriend  Mojog.  While their stories are in many ways very connected, they are at  the same time two very different people.  Mojag’s methods of control  are so sophisticated and refined, I have decided to give Mojag his own  chapter.  This first chapter is Malika’s story. 

             Malika is an only child in her mid 20’s who works as a clothing designer  in a fairly large metropolitan city.  She is originally from Europe and  her parents still live abroad.  Malika has been living in the US for  approximately the last six years.  She is attractive, dependable,  capable, intelligent, and very mature for her age.  She is the type of  person who tries to take care of herself.  Malika loves food and music.   When she is at the beach, she is almost always dressed nicely.  Her  clothes appear very neat and well cared for.  She is the type of person  who enjoys socializing with others.  Malika is trustworthy.  She is  honest about just about everything except for her feelings.  As a  clothing designer she is very creative, talented, and a hard worker.   She often puts in 12 hour days providing fittings for women of every  kind of fashion that you can possibly think of.  Malika is very good in a  field with few qualified colleagues.  Her skills are very much in  demand even though the pay itself is relatively poor compared to most  jobs.  She earns enough to afford a very modest one bedroom apartment  and little else.  There are actually two people living off her salary,  as she supports her boyfriend Mojag as well.  He recently turned 30  years old, but has no job and has not worked for at least three years  since he met Malika.  During the summer, when he is not sleeping from an  over-indulgence of self-medication, he is content to do nothing but sit  at the local beach and drink, smoke, and partake in as many  recreational drugs that he, or Malika, can afford.  During the winter  months, he stays at home and does the same while Malika works.   

             This has been a great source of frustration and unhappiness for  Malika.  Mojag is also extremely emotionally abusive.  Despite the fact  that she provides his daily food (whenever he wants it) and a place to  live, he is unappreciative, degrading, and manipulative.  He insults and  berates her whenever she is in his presence, and even more when she is  not.  When she is not around, he very casually refers to her as  “Hitler.”  At times, Mojag’s verbal abuse in public is so severe that  Malika is reduced to tears or she often pretends that she has not heard  his rude and hurtful comments.  When Mojag’s criticism is too intense or  unbearable, rather than get into a full scale argument in public,  Malika will usually withdraw from the encounter, sit by herself, take a  walk, or join in conversation with other people who happen to be sitting  around.  When these methods do not work, Malika will usually begin to  drink or partake in recreational drugs.  For the most part, Malika  appears to be very much in denial about her relationship with Mojag.  In  public, she presents herself as a very tough woman.  Her ability to  pretend that nothing is wrong is at times profound.  Sadly, on the  inside, she is allowing herself to be torn to pieces.           

             When they are together, they appear unhappy and often argue.  The  likely reason that he has not abused Malika physically is that she would  probably call the police or stop supporting him.  If Malika were to  break up with him, he would be forced to get a job, pay his own bills,  and grow up.   

            In a healthy, non-controlling  relationship, when one person decides to support the other, it is  usually because the latter is either going to school or in some other  way trying to better himself or herself.  The support that one person  gives is usually only temporary so that the couple will in turn do  better together.  In a healthy, non-controlling relationship, the goal  would be to be supportive of each other and at the same time be happy  with what each one is doing.  At this point in his life, Mojag has no  desire to do anything but party with friends.  He not only has little  direction, but he is very verbally abusive towards Malika.              

             Malika has made several attempts at getting him to change.  She has  tried talking to his mother.  She has tried talking to him.  She has  tried yelling at him.  Malika knows that she has a great deal of  difficulty saying “no” when it comes to Mojag.  She feels incapable (at  least at this point in her life) of saying the magic word.  Despite  allowing herself to be publicly and privately abused verbally  and emotionally, Malika is not an unintelligent woman.  She is very  bright and in many ways a very strong person--just not with Mojag.    

Chapter 16-Cosmetic/Plastic Surgery and Other Body Issues

             Cosmetic/plastic surgery has without a doubt become very prevalent in  today’s society.  There are commercials, discovery programs, and even  weekly television dramas on the subject.  A few questions the reader may  want to consider are:  1)  How necessary is the cosmetic/plastic  surgery?  and 2)  How much is sufficient?  Much of that depends upon  what kind of surgery is being done and the reasons for having it.   Certainly, not all forms of cosmetic or plastic surgery are  unnecessary.  An individual may have at one time been badly blistered or  injured in an accident.  An individual may have been born with or  developed a physical abnormality and in some cases cosmetic or  corrective surgery can be extremely beneficial, almost a miracle. 

             The problem is that in many cases the individual who may actually need  it the most often does not have the means to afford it.  At the same  time, there are many individuals who can afford it, but may require it  the least.  One could argue that if an individual has the money to pay  for it, that this is a free country and that if he or she so desires, he  or she can have it done.  My goal here is not to be judgmental of  people who can afford it or who have it done, but to make the reader  think about the instances in which surgery might not be necessary.  My  goal is to help the reader think about whether the decision to have  cosmetic/plastic surgery is really done to help a situation or merely  because a television commercial or infomercial, magazine ad, or  television drama convinces someone that they need something that they  don’t really.  Certainly, anyone who was born with or develops a  physical abnormality (either through natural causes or an accident) may  experience feelings of insecurity or low self-esteem.  In this example  those feelings are completely justified.  In many cases a physical  abnormality may be very painful.  One would think that in these kinds of  situations, cosmetic or plastic surgery would not only be appropriate,  but necessary.  However, what about the hundreds of thousands of  operations that are done for primarily cosmetic reasons?  Again, the  main question to consider is whether the surgery is necessary at  all?                

            Prior to cosmetic surgery (even  when it could be considered unnecessary or inappropriate), individuals  may report that they are experiencing feelings of insecurity,  dissatisfaction, or unhappiness with their bodies.  A question to  consider is how genuine these feelings are.  Are they real or have they  been perpetuated by television or magazine ads?  Another question to  consider is, what other methods or opportunities are there out there  that may actually have a much more powerful and lasting effect?  What  other options might a person have besides cosmetic surgery?  It has been  said that true change comes from within.  What kinds of opportunities  might a teenager or adult engage in to change those feelings in a more  realistic, genuine, and lasting way?    

            The sad part  is that these thoughts of dissatisfaction, unhappiness, or inferiority  are often quickly and mercilessly preyed upon by those entities that  perform cosmetic/plastic surgery.  Whether or not the plastic surgeon  can be blamed is sometimes questionable because often it is the client  who solicits the surgeon.  Nowadays a doctor can get sued for anything.   Ideally, one would think that it is up to the surgeon to help the  client decide whether the surgery is necessary or being done for  frivolous reasons.  There are probably many cases in which a doctor  tries to talk a patient out of having surgery that is not needed.  In  the film “Singles,” Bridget Fonda’s character contemplates whether to  have breast implants and if the decision to do so will make her more  attractive to men.  Ultimately, the plastic surgeon talks her out of it  and convinces her that she is really a whole and complete woman without  the implants.  One has to wonder how often this happens in real life.   After all, if the surgeon is getting paid for the operation  (particularly when there is a substantial amount of money involved),  could you expect him or her to be totally objective?  Yet, for whatever  reason, the individual may be so adamant about having it done that he or  she finds someone else to perform the surgery.  Still, there are  thousands of entities that perform cosmetic/plastic surgery throughout  the country and the world.  Many of them advertise with the dream of a  better and happier you.  This is a prime example of how entities that  perform cosmetic surgery often prey on a client’s anxieties and  insecurities. 

            Many of these entities try to convince  people that all of their problems, worries, and negative thoughts about  themselves, their bodies, and their self-image will be gone after the  surgery.  In reality, as many individuals have found out the hard way,  once cosmetic/plastic surgery is performed (particularly when it is  unnecessary), many of their problems actually begin.  ABC’s news program  “20/20” recently aired a program about women who had gone to Europe to  save money on breast implants.  According to the program, many of the  women felt as if they had been terribly butchered and abused by the  surgery.  The Discovery Channel also regularly has programs about  cosmetic/plastic surgery.  After watching some of the programs, it  appears that the surgery itself can be some of the most costly,  intrusive, painful, and risky procedures ever performed.  According to  patient interviews six to 12 months after the surgery, the amount of  internal change that was attained after the body had been intruded upon  by collagen injections, liposuction, excessive breast augmentation, or  thigh or tummy tucks appears to be minuscule and temporary at best.  In  many cases, the patient still appeared to be alone and not very happy  with his or her personal life.  In many cases, rather than having opted  for cosmetic surgery, an individual might have considered or been  provided with other opportunities for change, be it therapy, direction,  emotional support, nutritional information, or a combination of each.  

Chapter 15-Reed (“Red-haired” or “ruddy-skinned”)

             Reed’s story might be considered both happy and sad.  If one knew Reed,  even just slightly, one might not help but smile.  However, that might  depend upon how one knew Reed.  For other people, the thought of Reed  might make them begin cursing or screaming out loud.  Reed has an  uncanny ability to make some people happy and at the same time be the  cause of extreme frustration for others.  There certainly appears to be  at least two sides to him.  Reed would be the first to tell you that he  is the way he is (that there is a kind of “duality” to his personality)  because he was born under the sign of Gemini.  Then again, Reed believes  that just about everything that happens to him can be explained in  terms of astrology.         

            Some people take  horoscopes very seriously and some do not.  For many people like Reed,  the study of astrology is a very serious thing.  Reed reads his  horoscopes on a daily basis in an attempt to predict what will happen to  him.  Horoscopes often say things like “this (or that) will happen to  you soon,” or “you will soon meet someone who is going to affect your  life” “you are about to do something that will change your life.”  If  you take the time to think about these statements, they are very general  types of sentences that could apply to almost anyone at anytime.  For  some people, the need for control is so strong that he or she will make  every effort to find out exactly what will happen next in life.  Some  people pay an awful lot of money to have their charts read on a daily or  monthly basis so that they can figure out their future.  PBS recently  aired a program called “Secrets of the Psychics.”  The famous  psychologist James Randy tried to disprove people who claim to be  psychics, faith healers, or others who say that they can predict the  future.  Skeptics like Randy argue that horoscopes are written in such a  generalized manner that they can apply to almost anyone, at any time,  and for almost any situation.  In the beginning of the program, he had a  group of college students read what they thought were their  horoscopes.  The students were led to believe that they were each  reading a horoscope specifically designed for them.  He then asked how  many believed that the horoscope really represented them.  All of the  students raised their hands.  After this, he asked the students to hand  their horoscope to some one else in the room.  As it turned out, each  had been reading the same horoscope.  It is not my goal to tell people  whether to believe horoscopes, as everyone can make up his or her own  mind.  Some people feel that horoscopes do a very good job of describing  them.  The concern is when the need for control becomes so strong that  people are willing to risk everything based upon what a horoscope says.   Even if horoscopes do have the ability to predict certain things from  time to time, doesn’t that take some of the mystery out of life?  If you  think about it, one of the most exciting things is that we do not know  who we are going to meet, who we are going to marry, what we will  become, or what will happen in life.  Think about how boring and mundane  life would be if we really could predict everything.  Yet, Reed’s need  for control is so strong that he will make every effort to find out what  is going to happen to him next based upon what his horoscope says that  day.  Since he cannot afford to have expensive monthly charts developed  (because he spends almost every penny he has on buying lottery tickets),  Reed uses the horoscopes in the local paper to help him predict which  numbers to pick and whether or not he will win the  lotto.                      

            Like many people if you  take the time to look under the surface, Reed is complicated.  Some  consider him one of the kindest and most gentle souls that you could  ever meet.  Others think he is one of the most annoying, abrasive, or  irritating individuals that you could ever meet.  Reed is in his late  50’s and is a U.S. veteran.  After graduating high school, he attended  college for one year to learn how to make blueprints and then dropped  out.  He was then drafted into the Vietnam War. 

If you were to  offer him a ride home, drop him off near his warehouse, take him to the  Veterans’ Hospital, or to the nearest casino, and he happened to have an  extra buck or two, he would very likely offer to buy you a beer or an  inexpensive lunch.  While Reed is absolutely convinced that his  condition of hoarding things is the result of his experience in Vietnam,  it appears instead to be the result of an anxiety disorder that may  have developed when Reed was younger.  Just exactly when he started  collecting and storing useless objects is difficult to tell—all Reed  knows is that it happened sometime after he came back.  Prior to being  drafted, he really had no opportunity to do it.  Reed believes that if  he sold every piece of junk for 25 cents per item, he could walk away  from the whole thing with approximately $25,000.00 cash in his pocket.   If you needed help moving, he would very likely help you provided his  back was not bothering him too much that day; Reed experiences chronic  back pain.  However, that is most likely because he is always trying to  carry very heavy objects, like old televisions, refrigerators, stoves,  other large appliances, or anything he finds on the street that he  thinks can be repaired and possibly resold.  If it was a Wednesday or  Saturday night and you were to ask Reed for one of his last dollars, he  would very likely refuse you in favor of a lotto ticket.      

             Reed is a junk dealer by trade.  Because he is a veteran, he does  receive a small monetary benefit (in the form of disability) from the  government.  Beyond this, his only source of income is what money he  generates from his junk shop.  From time to time he may make a sale.  On  rare occasions, he may actually make a profit on a sale even though it  is almost always a very small one.  In many cases, he will reluctantly  wind up giving an item away or sell it at a loss.  When Reed is able to  make a sale, he usually uses the money to buy a lotto scratch off  ticket.  Reed loves to play the lotto.  His biggest dream in life is  that someday he will buy the winning ticket.  

Chapter 12-Kali (“Black goddess” or “time, the destroyer”)    

             As most people would agree, beauty, for all of the attention that it  receives in society, is only skin deep.  As most people have learned in  life, beauty, true beauty, comes from within.  If you were to look only  on the surface, the average person might consider Kali an attractive  person.  If you were to define beauty in terms of trust, empathy, and  compassion for other people, one might find her beauty more difficult to  detect.  If you were to define intelligence in terms of being able to  understand other people and things, one could argue that Kali is a  fairly intelligent person too.  However, if you were to define  intelligence in terms of self-awareness--the ability to understand one’s  self or be able to relate to others--one might think that Kali is  somewhat challenged. 

            Kali is in her early to mid  30’s.  She was born into an affluent family and has always been  financially very well off.  For approximately eight years, Kali held a  professional position in a large metropolitan educational system.  After  approximately seven years Kali was arrested for driving under the  influence of alcohol twice within a month and lost her driver’s  license.  About seven months later she lost her job.  Why she went to  school or why she decided to pursue a career in an educational system is  somewhat unclear.  Her position has status and could have been  considered somewhat upper level.  In general, Kali was assigned the  duties of helping or supporting educationally handicapped individuals.   In her eight years of service, she put forth very little effort towards  the duties that she was assigned.  It appears that Kali went to school  and took the job for two main reasons:  1)  as a means of attaining rank  or standing, and 2)  to avoid responsibility versus really having an  intrinsic desire to work with children or adults.  Kali’s motivations to  pursue the social sciences and psychology or to study behavior in  general appear much more to be an attempt to outwit, manipulate, or  attain control over people (at least from a social or psychological  perspective).  One could argue that her interests in such topics were or  are entirely self-serving.        

            As is usually the  case with people like Kali, when put in charge of other people, they  attempt to manipulate, control, and micro-manage everyone and  everything.  Their worlds are so chaotic internally that they become  destructive and a source of great discomfort for those who question  their ethics or procedures.  Fortunately, at least for now, Kali has not  expressed much of a desire to become a supervisor or administrator.  In  many cases, people who seek supervisory or administrative positions  often do not do so because of an inherent desire to lead or provide  support for others, but merely to control them.  She has however (on  several occasions) expressed a desire to attain a higher degree than she  currently holds.  Sadly, this is not based on an intrinsic desire to  help others or to learn about herself, but merely to attain more social  or political status.  

            As mentioned, on the surface  most people might consider Kali physically attractive, intelligent, at  times fun, and somewhat creative.  Under the surface, a majority of her  life is controlled by insecurity.  How or when Kali originally developed  these feelings of lack of confidence is unclear.  In order to suppress  these extreme feelings, Kali frequently consumes alcohol and other  substances to excess.  When individuals use a substance to control their  feelings (be it anxiety, anger, frustration, depression), they often  report that while under the influence they feel invincible and could  accomplish anything.  The feelings of insecurity or inferiority seem to  disappear as long as they are under the influence. 

             Insecurity or inferiority can be so deep-seated and so powerful that  many individuals when they are not under the influence often report  feeling completely incompetent or useless despite the fact that they are  very talented, creative, and highly effective in a variety of  settings.  If they are eventually able to take the time to examine their  lives, feelings, and perceptions thoroughly, they may remember that  they do have talents and skills and that in many ways they are  exceptional.  The feelings of insecurity or inferiority may come from  any number of sources (family members, friends, colleagues).  These  feelings may be learned or may come from within.  Recognizing forgotten  truths about oneself which can ultimately lead one to freedom or the  ability to “let go” can take some time and effort. 

             Learning to understand oneself may depend upon motivation.  Kali, at  least at this point in her life, does not appear very motivated to look  inside herself.  Mentally it could be argued that internally she  experiences a significant amount of chaos and this is reflected in her  excessive need to control other people and things.  With regard to  finances and material possessions, Kali is very well off.  Many people  who are well off still take the time to invest in self-examination.   Some are very good at controlling their fortunes rather than letting  their fortunes control them.  Kali often appears jovial and  happy-go-lucky.  Under the surface, however, she is one of the most  unhappy, anxious, and controlling individuals you could ever meet.   Perhaps some of her feelings are learned, while some might be  internal.         

            Until an individual decides to  find help, many may in an attempt to mask their feelings experience  extreme forms of consumption in the form of alcoholism or drug  addiction.  If an individual is unable or unwilling to change or to  learn to control his or her feelings, the next easiest option is to  attempt to control the things in the external world.  At most meetings  that deal with substance abuse, the first acknowledgment is for the  individual to admit that he or she is no longer in control and that the  addiction or attempt for control should be given over to a higher  power--whatever that higher power may be for that individual.   

             In many cases when an individual is experiencing alcoholism, drug  addiction, or other compulsions, there are usually varying degrees of  depression or sadness mixed in.  However, in Kali’s situation the  problem primarily appears to involve major feelings of insecurity and  inferiority.  While Kali also appears to experience degrees of sadness,  those feelings seem to be initially preceded by feelings of inferiority  or lack of self-worth.  At what point in her life did Kali become so  insecure or learn to think that she is inferior to other people?  What  event could have taken place to make her think that she needed to  excessively control other people and things?  Was it because of  emotional neglect or abuse on one or both of her parents’ parts?   Perhaps her parents experienced some type of personal challenges  themselves.  Personal, social, emotional, medical, or financial  challenges can occur whether the child is six years old, 16, or 26.  At  various points in a parent’s life, he or she may simply be unwilling or  unable to provide emotional support at key times in the child’s  development.    

Chapter 8-Work

             There are many examples of attempts at control--unhealthy, severe, and,  at times, abusive--in the workplace, including the public sector,  educational institutions, corporate settings, various company settings,  restaurants, and businesses large and small.  While unhealthy forms of  control can exist at just about any level, there is often a tendency for  particularly unhealthy forms of control to exist at the levels of upper  management, supervisory positions, or at the level of administration.   In particular, whenever you find a manager or administrator who  micro-manages, and every little thing around them, it can often mean  that the people in these higher level positions have little or no idea  what they are doing.  Perhaps they were never properly trained on how to  be administrators or managers, have extremely poor social skills, have  great difficulty relating to other people, or were very poor employees  to begin with.  Yet, somehow they were given upper level positions.   Incompetent, micro-managing administrators and managers often like to  surround themselves with people who are equally incompetent, but who  will “kiss up to” them or agree with everything they say.  The important  thing to remember about control is that the more an individual has an  excessive need to exert control over external things (other people or  things), the more chaotic it is for that individual internally  (mentally, psychologically).  There is a big difference between  excessive forms of control and structure, or even direction for that  matter.  My discussion on work also involves a discussion on school  settings because in some ways, a work environment is similar to a  classroom.  For example, you have a teacher or a boss, and you have  students or employees who get graded or rewarded in terms of their  performance.  A good boss, like a good teacher, should within a  reasonable amount of time be able to tell which employees require some  support and which ones perform better independently.  In an ideal  setting, employees or students who desire more support would be provided  with a work environment or classroom where they feel comfortable enough  to ask for support if they need it.  In unhealthy work environments and  classrooms (ones which are run by intolerant and controlling bosses or  instructors), employees or students who request more support are  penalized or unfairly judged as incompetent. 

            Some  people have a high need for structure and will thrive when provided with  it (perhaps because it helps them direct and sustain their attention),  while others prefer an unstructured setting.  What I am really referring  to is that certain employers (particularly in higher level management  or administrative positions) and teachers have an excessive need to  control and micro-manage others because they themselves are either  untrained, unskilled, uneducated, inept, or all of the above. 

             Many micro-managers experience elevated levels of anxiety.  Their level  of internal chaos becomes highly apparent when the people that they are  trying to micro-manage or control are very skilled, competent, and  intelligent employees who know exactly how to do their jobs.  In this  type of scenario, the micro-managers become a nuisance, an interference,  an irritant and often turn smooth running situations into very  inefficient and unproductive ones.  In a sense, they create chaos where  there was once order.  They often have the ‘my way or no way’ approach  to everything.  Any deviation in their master plan becomes a great  source of anxiety.  Many of these bosses or administrators show little  or no respect for the excellent and efficient work that they themselves  could never replicate.  When a problem arises, they usually point the  finger, blame or fire employees rather than offer support, or take the  time to understand the situation.  They often make quick-handed, snap  judgments and decisions.  By refusing to take the time to understand the  situation, which is often the result of their own inability to solve  problems, the situation is often left to repeat itself.

             Some people believe that success in life is really the result of luck  rather than hard work.  They may also believe that most of the things  that happen to them are beyond their control--that they have little or  no power to make any decisions that will affect or improve their life.   On the other hand, some people believe that success is really the result  of hard work.  Most people who have an excessive need to control other  people and things believe that their successes are always the result of  their hard work (maybe mixed with a touch of luck), and that failure is  always someone else’s fault.  Controlling bosses rarely take  responsibility for their mistakes.  As mentioned, when things do not go  their way they perceive themselves as the victims.  Bosses or people who  have an excessive need to control others generally lead pretty chaotic  lives internally.  

 Chapter 34-Dating Services

             According to an article in Accountancy (2003), major expansion in the  dating service industry is anticipated in the United Kingdom in the 21st  century.  An article in Fortune magazine (1997) reported that there are  more than 200 websites that offer personal ads online.  Over 300  million dollars are spent on personal ads according to their  estimations.  The report goes on to say that printed personal ads are  now offered in an online format on the websites of over 50 newspapers in  the U.S. and that some are beginning to develop their own databases.   The Financial Times (2003) reports that competition among online dating  services is fierce and that many new and existing services are doing  everything they can to cash in on this phenomenon.  According to the  article, in the U.K. alone there are more than 10 million single people,  so one of the most recognized dating services in the U.S. is now going  international to compete against other dating services there and in  Germany and France.  In an article in New London Age (2006), it was  reported that new dating services are emerging every day in an attempt  to get their slice of the pie.  Forbes (2006) reports that one dating  service is receiving 1700 phone calls daily from consumers who are  looking for advice on how to improve their personal online  advertisements and relationship skills.  The article states that  matchmaking on the Web has become a $500 million dollar industry.   According to an article in New Media Age (2006), a dating service’s  capacity to collect data on single people is critical to the company’s  ability to achieve financial success.         

             There’s no doubt all these dating services court the consumers’ dollars,  but is there also an attempt to control these consumers?  Many online  dating services get people to join by offering the opportunity to create  a free profile.  Most of them make it very easy to subscribe--all one  has to do is simply look at the boxes and point and click.  Some  services attempt to hook the consumer by offering free trial periods,  and if within that trial period the subscriber is not completely  satisfied, they offer an additional six months of service for free.   Some dating services in their attempts to control a subscriber offer  electronic services like the ability to send and receive emails and  instant messages.  Many claim that subscribing will be safe, fun,  exciting, romantic, and exhilarating.  Some in their attempts to control  the consumer offer the promise of meeting people who are “authentic.”   The definition of authentic?  Many services display pictures of happy  looking couples in passionate embraces to project the feeling of  satisfaction.  Some services claim to match people together based upon  personality profiles.  At least one service that is specifically geared  toward offering the promise of sexual gratification allows subscribers  to show explicit photos of themselves that leave little or nothing to  the imagination.  They encourage subscribers to use names designed to  arouse other potential subscribers all in an attempt to get their  consumers to spend.  According to an article in Woman and Earth (1998),  some companies under the guise of a dating service encourage the  promotion of global trafficking of women from all parts of the world.   At least one service offers completely free dating services with no  charge whatsoever.  There is not much that dating services do not appear  to offer.  On many of the services subscribers are allowed to rate  themselves.  One might consider for a moment whether that process might  be considered somewhat subjective.  Wouldn’t it be interesting to see  how a person’s former boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse might rate the  person and then compare it with the original rating?  How many would  actually rate their own shortcomings, assuming that they believe they  have any in the first place? 

            To gain as much control  of the financial pie as possible, many dating services claim that they  can match single people on many different levels.  One might want to  consider whether this form of arranged matching of personal factors  might not take the fun out of gradually getting to know someone anyway.   Perhaps some consumers, in their hurried attempt to create a sense of  control in their lives, don’t feel that they should have to take the  time that might be needed to find the perfect mate.  When one sees all  of these ads in local newspapers, magazines, and online, it makes you  wonder why someone decides to go the personal ad route in the first  place.  People may attempt to gain control in their lives by looking for  things like financial security, sex, or good looks.  In an article in  Management Today (2005), desperation was also reported to be a factor.   The article described having to place a personal ad as embarrassing.   Dating services are being used by approximately six million people under  the age of 55 in the U.K., the article says.                          

             Many services also tout the promise of a long-term, meaningful  relationship.  In one advertisement, it was noted that those only  interested in casual dating need not apply.  One has to wonder if the  service is looking for people who are serious about a relationship or  serious about spending money.  Some services warn their potential  subscribers not to be anxious and invite them to be imaginative.  At  least one online service uses one of television’s top-rated television  psychologists in its ads.  Many ads claim that finding the perfect mate  will be easy and will require little or no effort.  Consumers are led to  believe that marriage in and of itself will somehow solve all of their  predicaments.  Many services claim that they are solely responsible for  putting together hundreds or thousands of people.  With all this  success, you’d think they’d be put out of business. 

             To the public, dating services may seem like perfect, innocent, and  wonderful opportunities to find true love or that special person of your  dreams.  This is certainly what they purport to do--find any individual  the perfect mate.  Their advertisements are very sleek, sexy, alluring,  and give hundreds of thousands of single people the hope or belief that  if they pay a certain amount of money, they will find the ideal mate.   While there may be a few success stories, in general the services are  much like the gambling casinos that only report the winnings, not the  thousands and thousands of losses.  In these cases, individuals often  find nothing but disappointment and frustration.  If finding true love  or happiness were as easy as simply paying a fee, everyone would be  happy.  Dating services bank on this falsehood just like drug companies  try to convince people that losing weight and keeping it off permanently  is as easy as taking a pill.   

 Chapter 44-Devera (“Bee”)

             Devera is a single female in her mid to late 20’s.  She has never been  married and does not have any children.  Devera works as an exotic  entertainer.  If the legal age for working such a job is 18 or 21 years  old, she then has been entertaining for around 6 or 7 years.  From  observing her, it is difficult to tell if she developed her expertise  over time, whether she is just a natural at it, or a combination of  both.  One might take a moment to consider all of the hard work and good  timing it takes to do a job like this and be successful at it, as  well.  For example, she has to make herself look desirable and she has  to have the ability to draw men (and women) in.  She not only has to  hold their attention for a sustained amount of time to keep them in the  club long enough to buy drinks, but also to entice them into giving her  money.  While this may be considered a relatively easy task, one has to  remember that Devera is not the only entertainer in the room while she  is performing.  Often there are several stages with other women  competing for the same amount of attention and monetary reward.  Beyond  this, if she is not able to pull in enough money, the owner of the club  will receive less money and, as a result, she may find herself  unemployed. 

            Just like any other service industry,  Devera does provide a service and just like most people, she works very  hard for her pay.  I am not justifying or placing any judgment on what  she does for a living.  I am not condoning or condemning this type of  living.  I am merely trying to explain how difficult a job like this can  be.  Like most jobs, there is probably a fair amount of stress  involved.  Beyond this, many of the entertainers are very competitive.   Because of the pressure to bring paying customers in and keep them, if  you are not on top of your game you may fall short.  That is not to  mention how the clientele must be.  Many customers--male or female--are  rude, disrespectful, abusive, and tight-fisted.  Trying to get a measly  dollar or two out of their hands may not be an easy thing to do.   

             Because this type of entertainment is so prevalent and because many  people are out to exploit the entertainers, one might wonder why there  isn’t a union to provide insurance benefits and a pension program.   After all, these entertainers incur risk just like people in other  fields.  However, this is not the reality.  The reality is that many  people who frequent these places or operate them are looking for two  things--sex and money.  The chances of an entertainer actually meeting  another person who is sincere and can be trusted is probably extremely  rare.              

            Devera is competitive.  She is  aggressive.  She is a great entertainer.  On stage she appears very  natural.  Despite some of the disrespectful clientele, Devera enjoys  entertaining.  Perhaps she dances because she wants to or because she  hasn’t had many other opportunities.  Perhaps she is searching for some  sense of direction in her life, which can be difficult.  Even though she  is a great entertainer and enjoys entertaining people, she is no fool.   She is street wise and savvy.  Devera is complicated.  On the one hand  she is very worldly, but maybe at the same time she is also very  innocent.  It might be interesting to ask where she sees herself in five  years.  Perhaps she will own her own club. 

            As far  as making money, she is one of the best.  She probably makes more money  than most of the other entertainers.  She is bold and ambitious.  On  stage and at the club she is not shy.  One might say that she is not  ashamed or easily embarrassed.  A more astute observer might say that  she has sociopathic tendencies.  Devera appears like she’s always moving  forward.  Perhaps like many exotic entertainers, Devera has become  desensitized to the world around her.  On stage she appears to take what  she wants and does not have a strong need for remorse.  On the surface,  Devera is very confident and sure of herself.  While on the surface  Devera is very arrogant and self-centered, underneath she can be quite  insecure.  Some of her insecurities may rise from comparing herself to  some of the other entertainers out there, as she does not have the most  physically perfect body.  But she tries to make the most of what she  has.  While some dancers are truly blessed with what would appear to be  perfect bodies, perfect hair, and beauty, some others might be  considered less than blessed, like Devera. 

             Regardless of physical characteristics, they still have to put up with  clients who are rude, degrading, cruel, and insensitive.  Devera is  tough, though.  One would have to be to do what they do night after  night just to earn a living.  Perhaps she is looking for acceptance.   Beyond all this, most of them probably understand that their time is  limited.  There are always younger, prettier, or more handsome  entertainers coming into the field.             

             Outside of her world of dance, Devera has a far more interesting and  private side that not a lot of people know about.  Devera is a  dominatrix.  Apparently, she is very successful at this as well.  She is  very careful about who she invites into her secret world.  She has many  layers to her personality.  She can act like a kitten.  If she feels  that she has been crossed or taken advantage of, she will roar like a  lioness.  Her need for control and to appear independent of other people  is extreme.  Devera loves to take walks in the woods.  She loves a  thunderstorm.  She loves to pamper herself.  She also, more than  anything else in the world, loves to dominate and control people--both  males and females.  Before she invites them into her secret world, she  generally tries to learn a little about the person first.  If she feels  confident enough with that person, she will next attempt to enlist him  or her to join this secret world.  Her means of recruiting men and women  into her world of domination is extremely subtle and shrewd.  Most of  the recruits to be clients, servants, or slaves come from the club.  At  the end of her shift, Devera begins walking the room.  She may have a  seat at the bar or if the room is full go on the hunt.  She is very  skillful at sizing people up to see if they will be one of her “lucky  ones.”  While she has probably never had any formal training in  psychology, she is a master at finding and luring in people who are  generally very passive in nature.  When she picks someone, she will test  him or her so carefully and skillfully that it is difficult for the  person to tell that he or she is being tested.   

Chapter 2-Suri (“Knife”)

             On the surface, Suri is a friendly, generous, outgoing person.  Her  happy-go-lucky exterior is entirely dependent upon whether or not  everything and everyone fits carefully into her own master plan of what  is and what should be.  Any deviation from her expectations or her  agenda will create a sense of panic, instability, or chaos for Suri.   Her living conditions either consciously or unconsciously have become a  prison, a safe and protective environment for her as long as she is able  to control everyone and everything around her.  But they prevent her  from having to face any sense of change or engage in any type of  self-reflection.  Anything or anyone that may force Suri to examine her  own motivations, behavior, or excessive need for control immediately  becomes a great source of distress for her.  Criticism in any way,  shape, or form (even if it is constructive) will cause Suri to become  even more isolated and withdrawn.  No matter who we are or what we do in  life, we all need to accept criticism in order to grow.  Suri is the  type of person who interprets criticism as an attack.  What it  represents for her is a sense of fear or loss of control.     

             For individuals who have an excessive need to control other people, any  change in their social agendas, plans, or expectations becomes a great  source of trepidation.  Suri’s need to control and manipulate people may  not necessarily be malicious, at least from her perspective.  This  chapter is written so that the reader can “recognize” how this kind of  unhealthy relationship--malicious or not--can affect you in a negative  way.  Having a relationship with someone like Suri may initially seem  innocent, but allowing yourself to develop friendships like this can  often have an avalanche effect.  When you allow these kinds of  relationships to multiply, your life becomes constrained.  It is the  culmination of several people and things all at once that will, if you  allow them, destroy your life, prevent you from self-actualizing, or  thwart the development of sincere relationships with other people.  In  some cases, just one person or one thing can have a devastating effect  on your life.  If these kinds of relationships are preventing you from  moving forward, now is the time to let go.  Now is the time to walk  away.  Now is the time to free yourself.  While many people like Suri  are considered relatively harmless in terms of what they do with their  lives, if you do not unplug from these types of people, they will  consume you if you allow it.  By walking away, you will open yourself up  to opportunities that you never knew existed.  Will walking away be  easy?  In many cases no.  It will be difficult.  The road to  independence can be lonely and very challenging at times, but at least  you will be free.  When you wake up one day to find yourself free of  controlling people or controlling relationships, you will not believe  the energy you will find.  After reading this book, you will no longer  need to waste energy trying to please controlling people or expend  energy trying to keep them at arm’s length.  Once you unplug from people  like Suri or anyone who has an excessive need for control, you will be  able to use that energy to do whatever it is you dream of doing.  You  will now have the opportunity to meet new people and do things you never  expected you could do.  Even if the road to independence is lonely or  rough at times, this is where you will find out who you really are and  what you are made of.  You will find your true character and realize  your true potential.  If you catch yourself slipping into your old ways  and allowing controlling people back into your life, don’t give up.  Try  to be aware of it.  Don’t beat yourself up but instead keep moving  forward. 

            The problem with most people who try to  control others is that they often act knowingly or unknowingly in an  insensitive manner.  Controlling people often try to tell you what you  can or cannot do.  They often try to interfere with your personal goals  in their attempts to keep you near them.  It is only when you confront  these individuals about their insensitivity that they even remotely  become aware of what they are doing.  In most cases they react in  complete surprise.  Their initial reaction to anyone who finally  confronts them (and this may be anyone who has been loving, supportive,  and giving their whole life) is that the person is somehow being  overly-sensitive, edgy, or irritable.  The cases of women and men who  have had to endure controlling spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, or  partners is endless.   

            The first thing most people  with an excessive need for control will do is turn the whole situation  around and attempt to make the person they are trying to control (often  the wife or the girlfriend) feel guilty or at fault in some way.  Most  women who have had to endure a controlling boyfriend, husband, or  partner have already put up with more abuse than anyone should take.  It  is when the woman (or man) being controlled finally says the magic  word--“NO”-- that the control freak tries to turn the entire situation  around on them.  One of my goals in this book is to help those women and  men who are being controlled in an unhealthy, degrading way stand up  and reclaim a sense of self-respect and dignity for themselves. 

             The movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” is initially thought of as just a  light-hearted comedy about high school kids skipping school.  At the end  of the movie however, there is a very powerful scene that involves  Ferris’s best friend Cameron (played by Alan Ruck).  Cameron finally  decides that he is not going to be controlled by the fear which prevents  him from expressing his true feelings about his life and his family.   Very similarly, at the end of the movie “Night Shift” (which again is  often considered a simple comedy), Henry Winkler’s character eventually  finds the strength to stand up for himself and finally says the magic  word “NO.”  There are countless other dramatic films in which an  individual is inspired to stand up and say “NO.”          

Copyright  Library of Congress 2/22/07.  All Rights Reserved.  No part of this  book may be reproduced in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any  means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise,  without written permission from the author.

 The Stories are real.  The names have been changed